To work or not to work...

Interesting article again in The Times on the working mummy debate, it actually made me feel a bit better about what I am doing. Yes, I miss the kids like mad mad mad and am gutted every morning when I leave, and the nanny is a poor imitation of what mummy could be doing but the key is for me to be happy with my work because I agree with a lot of what the article says.

So I am now starting to turn myself around at work and make efforts for it to be a job I enjoy. I am leaving every night at 5pm (I get in early) and when I get home work is parked. I would like to work from home now and again, and I need to push that.

Anyway, good article.

Moving down...

We have to move at the end of August. Our landlord has hiked up our rent and it just doesn't make any financial sense to stay. When you are renting it really is money down the drain, and paying 30% more to live in the same place just makes no sense at all. We've been here three years with incremental rent increases, and now he's looking for full-on market rate. Down with greedy landlords- boo!

Anyway, we managed to find a bigger apartment for less money, which is great. Unfortunately in terms of location, facilities (there are none) and the building itself I am a bit underwhelmed. First impressions were 'this is fine, it makes sense' but subsequent visits are like 'my god, do I really have to live here?!'. We visited last Saturday and all the ex-tenant's furniture had been moved out so it looked a bit bare, scruffy and depressing. There was a massive dead cockroach in the communal stairwell, and it's still there today, Wednesday. And the whole building smells of overcooked vegetables. Still, I remain positive because like I said, when you are renting it's stupid and vain to pay more than you want to... though having more money to spend would obviously be very nice indeed!

For the longest time...

I have been feeling out of sorts and it's not one or two specific things, but just a whole series of events that have made me feel a little out of kilter. There's been a succession of events, and I am thinking that if I jot them down here it might make a bit more sense. I'll list events in order of when things seemed to go a bit wrong. This is actually all work-based, but work seems to permeate by personal life quite a bit, especially my stress levels. I know this is true of everyone, whether they work or not, because life is not little black and white boxes we can separate. I have definitely tried to step back from how this could affect me, because work has been pretty shite for a long time, but emotions are a very fluid thing and you can't help it when they splosh from one part to another.

So here are events in order:

1. Mid-July at the SKO: I did not feel myself at all. Listening to all the good stuff happening, I just felt out of it, doom and gloom. I am in IT, and have the distinct impression that IT were not contributing positively round here. I was 6 months pregnant, but it wasn't hormonal.

2. Few weeks later the CIO is sacked, then my boss and a colleague I have worked with for over five years, are also sacked. I was incredibly upset. There was no good reason for sacking either of them, and any reason speculated I could see that they were doomed and not getting the help they needed to perform well. Utterly gutted.

3. August: great 2 weeks on holiday at the Four Seasons in Bali. Happy Days. Heavily pregnant but loving every minute.

4. So much gossip, so much second guessing, work is boring and distracting. I continue to look after the helpdesk in India (what a mistake that was...) Trip to HQ in CA reveals no clues about future directions. Continue to work hard and long, still feeling my contribution is worthwhile.

5. Carry on as is, glad to be heading off on maternity leave to get away from all the BS.

6. My beautiful baby boy is born. Poor baby is back in the hospital at a week old with suspected meningitis, but luckily all is well. I take the rest of my maternity leave at a slow pace, never letting him out of my sight for the 12 weeks. Obsessive control freak, moi?

7. Back to work Jan 7th, travelling again by the 14th. Mum comes over to look after the babies, I cannot do this anymore. I am a strong old bird, but the babies are my responsibility and I know in my heart I should not be doing this. Spend all of January working to transition both the helpdesk system (at the end of Jan) and then all of Feb to transition the desk from India to Canada at the end of Feb.

8. Canada is horrible: it's cold, they are ill-prepared despite all the work I have done but we go ahead anyway. It's a tough tough week, and nobody thanks me for my efforts. Nobody. I am the other side of the world away from my two babies, and nobody gives a shit. What has happened to this place? I was stupid to not take more maternity leave, I regret that I have been misguided into believing I count. I don't... damn.

9. Easter holiday- lovely lovely 10 days with the family... but at work I am cracking up. I have got to that stage where when (non-working) mums say 'I don't know how you cope', I look away. I don't cope. I am strong, but I am not happy. Time with my family is utterly precious.

10. I have been working from home. This works because I am supervising the nanny with the baby and picking my little girl off the bus. I am run-ragged but I am so unhappy with work I have no passion fro anything. Motivation has hit an all time low. I want to give up work, yet I am so stubborn I don't want to give up anything because I feel I am being pushed. I want to make the right decision for me at the right time for me, or at least for all the family. I ask to go part-time, I am knocked back because 'work will be too busy'. Turns out that quite the opposite has been true.

11. Get a mediocre review and I take the heat on the India helpdesk being a dismal failure. See point 2 above, CIO was a family friend of the company we used... and I get the blame? Ha! OK... well, you live and learn. The fact that I proved beyond doubt how crap they were and initiated the change as soon as I could prove it counts for bugger all. Upshot is, I am going nowhere fast. 12-14 hour days suddenly turn into 8 hours of clock watching.

12. May comes and I am back at HQ in CA where the new job is explained. Great, though I have many many doubts and misgivings and my instincts tell me to not get too excited. To date, my instincts have been spot-on: this is a job I last did 3 years ago and it takes roughly an hour of my day. It is deathly boring. What's more, my local boss wants me in the office every day, and when I do a day from home when my boy is ill I am told I should be in the office. No reason for it. I explain about the baby, I hear nothing back.

13. Unlucky for me. Job is going nowhere. I was forced to give up what I was doing, then with this new role I push, I pull, I focus on operational excellence and am achieving it... but the part of the job I didn't want (which I had done before) is all I am doing. The big and exciting role has never materialised.

So, that's just my one-sided view of events up until now. I am trying to keep myself motivated and busy, but jesus it is tough. I go into the office, do my work and while away the hours before rushing back home at 5 for 2-3 precious hours with the kids. I know I can be happy as a working mum if I am happy at work, as I was with my girl. However, when I am really not happy at work I feel constantly sick about why I am here when I could be with them at home. It's like this small seed in my mind, and the more unhappy and demotivated at work I get, the bigger the seed of doubt about whether I am doing the right thing being here grows. I am paranoid that all of a sudden nobody likes me and they just want me to disappear, and sometimes I just want to disappear too.

Life as a working mum is tough, everyone knows that. What I am finding really tough right now is that I have come to a grinding halt in my career. I am highly-motivated, I thrive on achievement, I want to succeed, make a difference... I have not done this at work for the longest time and it is killing my will to be here. All things specific to me aside, I have read some really interesting articles of late which seemed to have resonated with me, though of course given me that eureka! moment that finally makes me decide that this is the conclusion I have been searching for.

Here is one from AlphaMummy, and another from The Times.

Anyway, suffice to say I am not ready to quit just yet, but this blog is the start of me making the right decisions for me, and right now I want to focus on being able to enjoy work more, and spend more time with the kids.

Purpose of this

This first blog has sat in draft, both in my head and on my laptop, for a good few days now. My hesitation to hit publish post or send the email was just me thinking 'what the hell am I going to write?' or 'why am I writing this'. I don't want this blog to be an online diary where I mull over all the shit things, and I am also not doing it to attract an audience. I used to write diaries years and years ago and they worked for me at the time; I could be introspective and really clear my head or I could write about things that had happened which were absolutely hillarious. Writing a paper diary now seems rather odd. For one, I don't want anyone to just pick it up and start reading it, and secondly it's much easier to tap away at the keyboard and look like you are doing something all together more useful.

Anyway, when all is said and done, I just want somewhere I can write down a few thoughts that go round in my head and see whether I can make any sense of them when I see them typed out on the screen and even just get out there things that I am thinking about, whether good or bad.